Why You Never Need to Cut Ties with Your Family — No Matter What

I have been thinking about this maybe my whole cognizant life; finally, one evening at age 28, following a partial-family dinner (as my parents are now divorced), shortly after my sister’s fiance put their kids to bed, I was compelled to put it in writing. It all started when he challenged me, proclaiming that he “does not need to speak to his sister”. Holding steadfast to each of our beliefs, we were not able to come to an agreement — not to mention with my mother and sister as tired spectators — I told him I was going to email or write a post. Even if he doesn’t read it, hopefully someone will and it can help them. Afterall, from Ivy League educated to hypnotists to religious and “spiritual” people, I have heard all walks of mankind say it is perfectly fine to cut ties with a family member. Here goes…

Before anything, I think it would only be helpful and objective that I preface my conjecture by being as open as possible about myself. As far back as I can remember I have been hyper-aware of the “family dynamic”, though not always knowing how it worked or where mine exactly stood. In fact, my bewilderment and at times utter grief and anger may have ignited my path to serious contemplation of this topic.

I don’t have a big family, like some lucky friends of mine. My first grandma, a feisty little lady from Brooklyn, died when I was in elementary school. My “Nana” (mom’s mom) apparently favored me, “little Ali”, the youngest one of all the grandchildren. I saw my Grandfather very sparingly through childhood because of his strained relationship with my mother, and reunited with him in college to become my best friend. Then there were seemingly long-lost cousins, aunts and uncles strewn across the country, even a few down the street who we never saw.

Perhaps this is why I treasured my rock collection, stamp collection, milk ad collection — material things, something I connected decades later. This kept me busy in my room alone for hours, perfectly content. Afterall, I was was shy, but had friends and pool parties at my house (mine was the one with the slide) and took up (and was decent at) sports and piano lessons — indeed thanks to my parents, who also benefited from having me out of the house. My sister were in advanced/honors/gifted classes and made honor societies, never needed help with homework and got As and did well on tests. My parents were one of the few who were still together (I realized later that this isn’t for the best and sometimes having that label is better than the trauma that goes on when staying together).

My family surely looked perfect on paper. Though I was fortunate to grow up in a safe community (it was gated, afterall) with more than the bare necessities, from “fancy” clothes to cruise vacations, I cannot recall home life ever being smooth sailing.

When there were family arguments I often wrote long letters, even at only six or seven years old. I remember so many events like it was yesterday perhaps because I was traumatized: for example crying because I was ignored and wanted to be asked to help in some house project (window tint installation!) and I felt constantly ignored, hiding and sulking under a desk eating Cheerios (to be alone or to get attention as to why I was there?) and feeling helpless that I just couldn’t get through to my parents, always feeling something was off, and it was.

My dad had a formidable temper, my mom was the apathetic, ineffective mediator and my sister the dishonest, selfish cheerleader. I questioned things, I lived many days in despair and sadness — I have been called an indigo child, an old soul. If anything, I had the closest relationship with my father because of his big heart and his ability to feel, albeit damaged from his relationship with my mother. To this day, I don’t think more than 30 (15?) days has ever passed without an argument of some sort among my family — or maybe they were not as bad as I remember and I was just hypersensitive (like my father?)?

I love to think how people think and act, read a lot about the subject, passed the high school test for college credit and even became the official notetaker in a UF psychology class! Unfortunately, I allowed my mother to discourage me (one of many times) from majoring in it, therefore I didn’t get any more studying (and I wasn’t much into books on my own time, if I had any). My formal training extends to no more than a 200-hour yoga teacher training course where we meditated, listened and questioned life, spirituality and mindfulness from 5am to 10pm. But I don’t think I’m a hippie like one might think, as I try to ground my Eastern philosophies in Western values and “science” when possible.

There are few things in life that I am sure about. I tend to be in the middle about the majority of topics, and find myself indecisive and indifferent, possibly because I am so open.

However, not cutting ties with family is one thing I am sure about — yes, even for someone who tried to hurt you (kill you or a loved one is a different story) — and I hope the ensuing information can actually help you find comfort as you postulate this potentially new revelation. I likely had the same doubts and objections.

So why not cut ties? Some good ole’ child naivete will give you some answers, but most of us cannot even channel the innocent world peace view if we tried. However, when I zoom out it is incredulous, I could almost scoff at the fact that in the scheme of planet Earth and life itself, we have but a few people in our bloodlines yet we can grow to hate them; with justified hostility we consciously shun fellow humans who come from the same mother, grandmother and so on. Simply shocking.

Just one reason is reason enough for me, but for those who have not spent childhoods and hours upon hours doing mindful meditation and partaking in open discussions and writing therapy, I will try to extrapolate my thoughts:

1. You never know when you might need them. Yes, that could be viewed as selfish. Emergencies happen afterall (lost your house and have no money sure hopefully a good friend can bail you out), but relax, this is the most basic and superficial. Keep reading.
2. They are a key to your past, and therefore a key to your future. We are undeniably a product of not only our upbringing but an evolution of those who preceded us. Quite literally, did they suffer from X disease their whole life (quietly, hey and that may be another contributor to a strained relationship), and you are noticing symptoms in yourself and have the opportunity to prevent it? Okay, fine just go on Ancestry.com for that or ask Aunt Suzy what she knows about her sister’s (your mothers) diagnosis…
3. Having this estranged person in some corner of the world is unsettling — whether it is some cousin in Texas or uncle in Las Vegas, whether you are constantly aware or it is in your subconscious. Temporarily it might make you feel okay — just like fast food — and compensate for your shortcomings and insecurities, but in the long run, it is completely inefficient and bad for your health, mental and physical .This creates a blockage not just figuratively but literally in your blood just like a clot (if I could add some feng shui concepts). Establishing some sort of dialogue will disrupt the stale energy and create a flow in your body, hence in your world. Stress is stress. Oh, you know how to deal with it, and talking to them would be worse than not?
4. Seriously, it’s more difficult and time-consuming to keep track of people you hate or don’t talk to (and why again?) — and it’s equally as draining to explain to others. It is also not normal to “hate” or “not like” someone, you can hold judgements, but a truly self-actualized human will not be bothered by another “lesser” human. Not you? Fine…
5. Learn some of the most difficult lessons in life: Patience and forgiveness. We often have strained relationships with people in our family because 1) we don’t get the relationship we hoped for or expected from this person, and 2) the proximity to them allows us to overstep certain boundaries, leading to tension and ultimately separation. Acknowledging that it is most likely not a one-way street is all the more helpful on your journey to “forgiving” them. Getting through this emotional situation will likely require you to cultivate these significant character traits and will be tenfold freeing and rewarding. Meanwhile when you are estranged, you likely still harbor hate and are still in the problem.
6. Regret. There is nothing more heartbreaking than being bedside at hospice with an endless list of questions that can never be answered. Don’t find yourself at a funeral with regrets either or wondering how it could have gone when you are 80 years old yourself.
7. Love. If nothing else, everyone and I mean everyone needs love. Love solves anything. Love is the answer, always.

While you have read and even buy into at least a few plausible reasons as to why you should never cut ties and have some family member in mind, you still might not want to take the step. Understand that you don’t have to be best friends with every relative (that could be impossible anyway, wouldn’t it?). Think of it as a formula you are following and go through the 3-step process as if you are a robot (objective, with no emotions), even as you think about memories (of course this is harder for someone with severe PTSD). If you do get caught up, you can always step away and block temporarily, there is nothing to prove. Easier said than done, right? If you don’t think this is possible, robotically copy and paste “Sorry, I’m unable to chat at the moment and have limited service”. It is easier and gets you a head start on potentially years of therapy. If this sounds completely impossible to you then perhaps you may want to consider therapy (and not just talking to a psychologist as there are many other versions from sunlight to supervised psychdelics):

1. Think about the positives of that person even if at first you may think there is one or none. What great character traits do they have, even hobbies, and what do you enjoy about them? Is it something as little as their laugh, that they were successful in their career, is it that you find it so cool that your uncle was an all-star wrestler back when he was in high school. Write it down on a piece of paper or on readily accessible digital notes, so you can open it when you do cross paths (mentally or physically, meaning in your mind or on the phone).
2. Think about appropriate topics to talk about with that person, some of which very well could be these positives, or maybe just the weather, elementary school days, your Great Auntie. Keep in mind that this shall not be judged as superficial, especially when you are mending or just establishing a relationship for the first time. Do write down “off limits” topics to keep you in line. Like a baby literally takes baby steps, adult relationships, too, can evolve and mature over time. Just be sure to hang up when necessary, walk away or what have you — don’t drag it out and try to be best friends right away (this is a trauma response, otherwise!). The relationship does not have to be perfect. What does that even mean? Can’t you imagine if every relationship was free of emotions? I sure can’t!
3. Feel out the frequency and format of dialogue that should be employed (or “prescribed”, you can think of it like that), which will likely fluctuate. For example, is it only in writing or also speaking over the phone or computer, or in person? More concretely — perhaps it is only email, or text message once a week, or maybe you will find that Skype and FaceTime versus over audio with no video creates a better environment; I bet studies would show that people are less likely to yell at people through video (it seems strange because people argue in person all the time). Basically, gauge what is comfortable for both of you. Maybe start with the least invasive — commenting on Facebook pictures of your sister in a positive light, working your way up to sending a FB message, then exchanging/ confirming more direct contact info and sending a text and figuring a time to call. Maybe it is through letters or a window in jail once a year. So be it. They are family and empathy and forgiveness (again) is among the most enlightening life traits. I have found a somewhat non-conventional method — that I happen to love in — StoryWorth, which sends automatic emails to my mother and father. Anyways, this will evolve: the topics will change and as a result so will the frequency and format. Take it at the pace you need. We can always take a break from anyone in the physical world — this does not mean cut ties forever. Inbetween, you can simply keep them in your prayers/thoughts from time to time and send them positive energy — and what you may feel as a result will be multiplied!

Upon leaving their house, my (impending) brother-in-law asked me a question “to parallel the situation of cutting ties with your family”: if I was running out the door and had 10 minutes to spend time with Bailey (the good dog) or Cosmo (the “bad dog”, who has bitten me maybe 10 times) — both little Shiztus — and never see them again, who would I pick?

With a laugh, I responded that Cosmo is actually the one I have spent the most time with in general: he growled fiercely at me, and later on I tried again. I know he just needs some love, and I also simply got to observe him, and I continued on my way to play with Bailey. Two minutes of attempts with one and five minutes of hugs with the other. (Actually, my mother told me later that Cosmo has cancer). What’s the problem? I asked.

What I’m trying to say is that it is not one or the other — spend some time with all family in different ways. I would also say to my brother-in-law: maybe instead of running out the door, sometimes we can walk and get the opportunity to smell some flowers on the way, appreciating nature and all its colors and everything else it gives us, including a mother, father, brothers and of course, sisters.